Friday, October 29, 2010

President-Elect Keaton Unveils His Cabinet: Welcome Team ASS-Backwards ! (Part I)

President-Elect Keaton, or Buster as he prefers to be called, has named one half of his cabinet. "I am proud to introduce the first members of Team ASS-Backwards (short for America's Simple Solutions-Backwards) to the nation. Together I know we can get America back on the  right track!"

Here are Buster's hand-picked selections:

Vice-President: Roscoe "Fatty" Arbuckle
Roscoe has always supported Buster in more ways than one. Buster has full confidence in Roscoe and states "Roscoe Arbuckle personifies the ASS-Backwards American!"

Secretary of State: Mary Pickford
Mary is a woman loved by the world. If anyone can make everyone behave, it's Mary!

Secretary of the Treasury: Douglas Fairbanks
Buster saw "Robin Hood" and concurs with its fiscal policy.

Secretary of Education: Stan Laurel and Oliver Hardy
Here we get 2 for 1. The duo's experience in higher education makes them uniquely qualified to inspire American youth to greater heights.

Secretary of Transportation: Mabel Normand
Mabel knows how to get around in style.

Secretary of Energy: Ben Turpin
Ben is full of energy (real and manufactured)!

Secretary of Defense: Harry Houdini
Buster thinks Harry's unique skills might come in handy in a pinch.

Secretary of Veterans Affairs: Theda Bara
Buster figures that if any Vets want to have an affair, Theda is the woman for the job.

More Buster coming soon. Follow his first 100 days:
* Buster picks the rest of his cabinet
* Buster meets the media (and it ain't pretty)
* Buster and Brown Eyes move into the White House
* The First Lady as a fashion icon
* Buster deals with Congress
* Buster puts America back to work
* And More!

Buster reached across the aisle to Silent Society candidate Charlie Chaplin and offered him the position of Secretary of Labor.

At first, Mr. Chaplin was not in a conciliatory mood.
But Charlie is not a sore loser or the type to stay mad long. He considered the pros and cons of Buster's offer.

Pros: He has been a working man
and has long been a supporter of organized labor.

Cons: Charlie really hates to work
And so, Buster created a new position: Secretary of the Cinema. The Secretary of the Cinema will travel the nation and the globe promoting the universal language and love of all movies.

Mr. Chaplin eagerly accepted and can't wait to get started! In fact, many say this is the job he wanted all along.  Buster said, "I know I picked the right man for the job!"
The New Secretary of the Cinema: This is the job I was born for!

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Stars Who Scare Me! A Halloween Tribute

I love the stars, I really  do, but there are those few who have always scared me. There is something about them that starts the negative vibes vibrating. This is not a comment on their dramatic skills or their star status. I realize that they have many fans and I do not disparage them. But, for some crazy reason or other, they scare the bejeezus out of me!

Working my way through the decades, here are the scary seven:

Max Schrek

I realize that this is make-up and F.W. Murnau's vision of a vampire, but this guy has haunted my dreams from the minute I saw him. The only difference between him and those that follow on my list: he means to scare me!

Lillian Gish
She is awfully pretty and can act up a storm, but she seems so disapproving. Lillian comes across as self-righteous and those are the scariest people of all. A little chill goes down my spine when I see her.

Plus, she makes me nervous.
Marlene Dietrich
Now I know people just adore her, but she scares me! Maybe it's the cheekbones, but she seems really mean.

Wallace Beery
I am not buying that sloppy, sentimental stuff he puts across. This in one plain mean guy and he scares me! Bad vibes all around.

Joan Crawford
I know, I know... such an obvious choice. I am truly learning to love her through the 30s, but what the hell happened in the late 40s? Too much freaky makeup and way too intense. Sorry.
I really do feel badly about this one and promise to try and overcome this.

Joseph Cotten:
Again, no good reason except that I saw him in "Hush Hush Sweet Charlotte" as a kid and still can't get the image of him crawling up the stairs from the grave. He is in several of my favorite movies ("Gaslight", "Shadow of a Doubt" and "The Third Man"), but he still gives me the shivers. Maybe I'm seasick from those waves in his hair...
George C. Scott
Okay -  this guy really scares me. I know he's a great actor, but every time I see him I feel like I am getting yelled at. Enough, already.

And here's one star who never scares me!
Happy Halloween from Clara Bow & FlickChick!

Friday, October 15, 2010

President-Elect Keaton's 5-Point Program to Save America!

President-Elect Keaton would like to take this opportunity to thank everyone who voted for him. He knows, with your help, that he and the Deadpan Proletariat can fix everything that is broken in our great Nation.  His philosophy is: simple is best. So, no more voluminous bills and laws that no one understands! 

Buster says it's time to cut through the you-know-what get down to brass tacks! He believes that the future can be fixed by looking backwards to a simpler time when things worked better in America. By the way - none of this President Keaton stuff. Just plain old Buster will do, thank you.

Before Buster unveils his 5-Point Program to Save America, "America's Simple Solutions  - Backwards", or  ASS-Backwards, he'd like to reassure everyone, especially those who did not vote for him, that he will conduct himself in a manner befitting the leader of the free world.

Buster would also like to address some of those "unfounded" rumors:

1. The Murder Charge:
All Buster has to say is "I was framed."

2. The Bomb Thing:
Just a misunderstanding that got a little out of hand. In the future, Buster wants law enforcement personnel used more wisely.

Buster takes his new responsibility very seriously and has put a lot of thought into his new ASS-Backwards program.
ASS-Backwards is based on 5 simple principles:

1. Honesty is the Best Policy

Buster promises to speak out of only one side of his mouth at a time.

2. War is Bad
Buster has looked deeply into this issue and has concluded that a person could get hurt. That's bad.

3. Health Care is Not Complicated and Should be Available to Everyone
An annual check-up, some chicken soup and lots of exercise is a good prescription for body and mind.

Football, Basketball and other sports are good, but Baseball is best!

4. Education is Important
Buster was class valedictorian and is proud of his High School diploma.

5. Everyone Should Go to the Movies More Often.
Buster believes that everyone could use a little more cinematic joy in their lives (and that 40 cents is a fair price).

See? Simple!

Buster pledges a clean sweep of Washington and an ASS-Backwards future!

More Buster coming soon. Follow his first 100 days:
* Buster picks his cabinet
* Buster and Brown Eyes move into the White House
* The First Lady as a fashion icon
* Buster deals with Congress
* Buster puts America back to work
* And More!

Friday, October 8, 2010

Clara Bow: I Want to Be Happy

Now you know I love the stars and like to have fun with them, but I can only gush about Clara Bow. Forgive me for being a little serious, but our Clara deserves respect!

A silent film viewer's response to Clara Bow is immediate and emotional. She, more than any other performer of the silent era, represents raw emotion. There is joy in her presence. She is young, healthy and full of fun, and really, really pretty. She has magical star quality. Clara makes me happy.

Was she a good actress? She was great, but it is her electric presence that grabs you. She was the essence of the flapper. According to Wikipedia,
“the term flappers in the 1920s referred to a "new breed" of young Western women who wore short skirts, bobbed their hair, listened to jazz, and flaunted their disdain for what was then considered acceptable behavior. Flappers were seen as brash for wearing excessive makeup, drinking, treating sex in a casual manner, smoking, driving automobiles and otherwise flouting social and sexual norms.” 
That was Clara, but that was not all that she was.

Across the decades, Clara continues to cast a spell. She is the best girlfriend, the sexy sweetheart, the seductive minx. She is a regular person from Brooklyn. Even though Clara is gorgeous, we believe she is real, just like you and I, only more vibrant and vivacious. She has the qualities of the great ones who are set apart from the rest. There is a generosity in her spirit that translates to film. She wants to have fun. What makes Clara oh-so-special is that she wants you to have fun, too.

Clara was the original "It Girl," a term that is still with us today and one that is associated with sex appeal. She is excessively pretty and sexy, especially in sad photos, but I like to see her happy. Of course, the sadness of her life is legend and we don't have to dwell on all that. The sad Clara is gone, but the young, peppy flapper is still with us. Clara's biography, "Running Wild" by David Stenn,  tells all and it is a harrowing story much more dramatic than any film she ever made. I prefer to watch Clara on the screen where she is forever young, pretty and happy.

Let Clara's face speak for itself:

Clara Bow belongs totally to the 20s and the Jazz Age. If you look closely at Clara's pictures, you can always see a hint of sadness. Just like the 20s, there is desperation underneath and maybe a premonition of disaster around the corner. But let's not go there. Let's keep it light and skim along the surface. Like stones tossed out on dangerous waters, she skips lightly and joyously. She is a magnificent silent screen star.

Here is Clara having fun and just being Clara at Coney Island (with a most unworthy Antonio Moreno) in 1927's "It." Don't you just wish you could be there with her?

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Theda Bara: What I Learned From My Jenny Craig Consultant

Theda checking in here.
Yes - I admit I was a little out of shape. I looked into the mirror one day and I was not especially pleased with what I saw..

Things were starting to expand, if you know what I mean. It was most distressing!
It is not easy being a Vamp. Vamping consists mainly of lounging about in revealing outfits and forcing my victim to stare into my eyes before I reduce him to a pile of mush. It does not leave much time for cardio training.  The only exercise I might get is from lifting a glass of champagne or a knife. And here's a little tidbit I bet you didn't know - Vamp victims are very fattening!.

I tried to diet, but the more I denied myself, the more I felt compelled to rip the flesh off of my victims and chow down right to the bone.

Self restraint is not a Vamp characteristic.

I then decided to take a cruise, thinking that the sea air might do me some good.
But, there were those fattening victims again.

 Another thing: besides always being hungry after "Vamping," I  long for a cigarette. A  lifestyle like this is just not good for a girl's health.

The state of affairs worried me so that I actually made myself sick. Can you imagine?

Being a modern, self-sufficient woman, I took a modern approach. I looked into my crystal ball and decided to take matters into my own hands. I bit the bullet, swallowed my pride and met with my Jenny Craig consultant. She showed me how to eat healthy, how to introduce exercise in my life and, most importantly, to accept myself for the beautiful woman I am.

Now look at me! I am Theda Bara and I am hot, hot, hot!

Thank you, Jenny, for putting a smile back on my face!* I am back on the Vamping beat again and am better than ever. Vamp victims, here I come. You know you can't resist my charms.

* I'd like to think that Theda would make a fabulous Jenny Craig spokesperson. She was one fabulous Vamp!