Friday, November 26, 2010

Buster and Brown Eyes Move into the White House

The big day has arrived! President Buster and his blushing bride, Brown Eyes, finally take occupancy of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue (check older posts to see how this happened!).

As you can imagine, both were extremely excited, proud and honored to be the latest residents of the White House. Here's an intimate peek at their new life inside the nation's first home.

Both Buster and the new First Lady wanted to look their very best on moving day.

It was a bit intimidating from the outside, but once inside, Buster quickly made himself comfortable.
Being President has its perks!
Brown Eyes has some "special needs" and is having the Queen's Room done over to her specifications.
She has even taken to designing her own furniture.

To accommodate their busy schedules, both Buster and Brown Eyes hired Social Secretaries. Brown Eyes has hired the highly qualified Elsie the Cow to assist her with her daily activities. Her "pet" project will be The Milk Fund.

Buster has hired a young lady by the name of Natalie Talmadge. Natalie comes highly recommended and Buster has a good feeling about her.
Now that they have settled in, Buster and Brown Eyes can't wait to start serving the American public!

**** EXTRA!!!****
Buster and Brown Eyes: 
A Love Story

Buster and Brown Eyes ("Bruster" or "B&B" as the press has dubbed them) wish to share a bit of their love story and honeymoon photos with America. "We are just your average in-love married couple," said Buster. Brown Eyes mooed in assent.

A brief history of the love story of Buster and Brown Eyes:

Buster discovers Brown Eyes pole dancing in a bar called Cow-a-Bunga.

Brown Eyes had her heart set on a Broadway career, but it was love at first sight! Both knew that they were an unconventional couple, yet love conquered all.

Soon after, B&B married and took a honeymoon out west.

After an idyllic honeymoon, they settled down in their little house in Hollywood and the rest, as they say, is history. Both have encountered their share of prejudice as result of their "mixed marriage," but Buster and Brown Eyes remain firm their devotion to one another. "Nothing will ever come between me and my Brown Eyes," sighed Buster.
More Buster coming soon. Follow his first 100 days:
* Buster meets the media (and it ain't pretty)
* The First Lady as a fashion icon
* Buster deals with Congress
* Buster puts America back to work
* And More!

Friday, November 19, 2010

Mary Pickford's Advice to the Stars of Today

Dear Stars:
You may or may not be aware that I was the first REAL Movie Star (there were those few who technically came before me, but their fame and careers paled next to mine). As such, I take my position very seriously and consider it my sacred duty to watch over all of the Stars. Think of me as the Mama Star watching over all of my children, whom I love unconditionally.

Although no one knows better than I the stress of living in the Hollywood fishbowl, I rarely feel compelled to interfere and offer advice. However, once in a while there are those Stars who would seem to benefit a bit from my knowledge and experience. After all, we Stars are all "family" and the Pickford family was nothing if not loyal to and supportive of one another.

I lived by 3 simple rules as a Movie Star:
1. Always behave in a dignified manner in public and show gratitude to your public.
2. Respect your craft and your career.
3. Understand your strengths and your limitations.

Although I could take a lot of today's performers to task, I prefer to concentrate on Movie Stars and will offer my wisdom and insight to the four I think it would most benefit.

Julia Roberts
You once carried my title of "America's Sweetheart"  and I have a special place for you in my heart, but you have abdicated this revered designation to Sandra Bullock and others without a fight.

You are a beautiful woman, and I know oh-so-well how hard it is to grow from girlish to womanly before a public that idolizes youth, but there is a distinct lack of joy about you these days that is troubling. Never show that you are unhappy. Never act as though you have something better to do or that you are bored or annoyed by the public's attention. Remember how much you once wanted and needed their attention? Never forget that desire. Always try to look your best. Remember why the public adores you and that they have many choices. You have an enchanting smile. Let's see it more often.

Tom Cruise
You have made the fatal mistake of believing that the public actually cares what you, personally, think and feel. You forget that your job is to care what they think and feel. While, as a compassionate woman, I am happy that you are in love, the jumping on the couch episode was not a good move. It also exposed the fact that, while you are a big Star, you are not a great actor. It seemed forced. Stick with a good script & director and do not, under any circumstance, go for spontaneity. It worked for me.

Another thing, Tom: while you are more than free to pursue your religious and corresponding beliefs, keep them, and your notions about mental health and pregnancy, to yourself. You are a big Star and still have lots of mileage left if you don't alienate your fans. Keep the crack-pot factor to a minimum and retain a bit of mystery. One of a Star's biggest strengths is that the public projects its own desires onto you. You must validate them and make their fantasies come true, if only for a few moments, on screen. Don't forget the magic.

Lindsay Lohan
You are, as they say today, a hot mess. You, too, have a special place in my heart because you were once an adorable "little girl." I can't stress enough that you owe your public more. If you weren't talented, I'd say leave her on the scrap heap of fame (sorry to be so blunt, dear), but I believe that you have something to offer. There are loads of actresses and actors who fell by the wayside and into oblivion (or worse) because of the same problems you have from my day to the present. Will you join poor Alma Rubens and Mabel Normand or will you learn  to love and respect your career? Love and respect means taking care of your mind and body, your working tool box.  I am watching over you, dear, but get your you-know-what- together soon or it will be over (See? I can be tough when necessary).

Mel Gibson
Oh Mel - you are my hardest "child" to love these days. Now, you know I never cuss, but if I did, I would ask you - WHAT THE **&^%!!! HAPPENED TO YOU????? 

As they say today (I am really getting the hang of this modern lingo) - TOO MUCH INFORMATION!!!! I am sorry to have to raise my voice, but your public does not really want to be subjected to the outbursts, women and phone messages. You are a smart man, Mel. Think of yourself as your own product (that's what I did). Don't give your public a defective product. Granted, it can't last forever, but a Star should maintain a bit of mystery and dignity.

And so, my Stars, I hope I have been helpful to you. Look to me at any time for a source of inspiration. I am watching over you, so be good, work hard and enjoy your time in the sun.
Mary Pickford

Friday, November 12, 2010

Team Ass-Backwards - Part II

As President-elect Buster prepares to take office, he is  pleased to announce the  rest of the members of his cabinet - Team Ass-Backwards!
(A brief recap for those who have been out of the country: Buster Keaton defeated Charlie Chaplin in a very close Presidential election. President-elect Keaton, believing we can solve the problems of the present by looking backwards, then revealed his 5-point plan to save America called "America's Simple Solutions - Backwards" or ASS-Backwards for short. All of this ground-breaking history is documented in earlier posts)

Buster's previously announced cabinet choices were:
* Vice President: Roscoe "Fatty" Arbuckle
* Secretary of State: Mary Pickford
* Secretary of the Treasury: Douglas Fairbanks, Sr.
* Secretary of Education: Laurel & Hardy
* Secretary of Transportation: Mabel Normand
* Secretary of Energy: Ben Turpin
* Secretary of Defense: Harry Houdini
* Secretary of Veterans Affairs: Theda Bara
* Special Post: Secretary of the Cinema: Charlie Chaplin

The following choices round out his circle of advisors. Although all will be his trusted associates and colleagues, Buster wants the American public to know that the buck always stops with him!

Secretary of Agriculture - Greta Garbo
Ms. G loves to grow things.
And she loves fruits and vegetables
Secretary of Commerce - Clara Bow
Clara knows what sells, is not afraid to take a chance and she can sure rake in the big bucks!
Secretary of Health and Human Services - Mary Miles Minter

Mary has experience playing a nurse and is a very compassionate person.

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development - Harold Lloyd
Buster really snagged a big one here! Harold has his finger on the pulse of the city
Secretary of the Interior - Tom Mix
Tom has probed every inch of this nation's interior.

Secretary of Justice - Mack Sennett
Buster knows Mack and his Keystone Kops can mete out justice!

Buster has cautioned Mr. Sennett to leave the Bathing Beauties at the beach. No scandals before he takes office!

Secretary of Labor - Gloria Swanson
Gloria understands the daily plight of the working person.

Buster acknowledges that our country is experiencing some stormy weather at the moment
but is confident that, with the American public's help, he can steer the ship of state to a safe, ASS-Backwards harbor. GO TEAM ASS-BACKWARDS!

***** NEWS FLASH *****
Buster Keaton takes the Oath of Office. It's official! It's now President Buster!

More Buster coming soon. Follow his first 100 days:
* Buster meets the media (and it ain't pretty)
* Buster and Brown Eyes move into the White House
* The First Lady as a fashion icon
* Buster deals with Congress
* Buster puts America back to work
* And More!

Friday, November 5, 2010

Star Transformations: This Does not JUST Happen!

Sometimes - a lot of times - most times - okay, all the time - when I look in the mirror I get very downhearted. It seems as though it takes a lot of product and effort to get me together to face the world and the results are not very encouraging. No matter how hard I try, I never look like a star. But then I remember that a star did not always look like a star. I'd like to think that, with a team of industrial strength beauticians giving me the Star Treatment, the same results could be achieved for me and I could be transformed from a caterpillar to a butterfly.

Here are a few that needed just a little assistance to achieve that "extra" something:

Greta Garbo:
Before the Star Treatment
No so impressive, is she?
After the Star Treatment:

Much better, no?
Marlene Dietrich:
Before the Star Treatment
Umm...not quite.....
After the Star Treatment
There she is!
The Star Treatment is not just reserved for foreign actresses who might not have the advantages of American Glamor. Here are a few American gals who needed the Treatment:

Joan Crawford:
Before the Star Treatment:
Not her best look
After the Star Treatment
Glamor Puss
Lana Turner:
Before the Star Treatment
(Yes - she needed a little assistance)
to go from this.....
to this!
Rita Hayworth
Even a goddess needs a hand. Before the Star Treatment:
 a pretty enough girl
After the Star Treatment
They did a good job with this one!

The guys are not immune to a make-over, either. A good haircut (both head and facial) as well eye makeup and lighting can do wonders.

John Gilbert
Before the Star Treatment
an ordinary fellow
After the Star Treatment
Clark Gable:
Before the Star Treatment
Not bad, but not quite  royalty
After the Star Treatment
His Majesty, The King
James Cagney
Before The Star Treatment
Not so tough...

After the Star treatment. As Lady Gaga can tell you, a little eye makeup can make you look fierce...
You've got my attention!
Even Lassie needed some help!
Before the Star Treatment:
No one is immune to a bad hair day
After the groomer works his magic
Ready for my close-up!

So, I face each day looking like a "before" picture, but I just know that if MGM would send those beauticians to my house and follow me all day with the proper lighting, I, too, could look like a star!