Saturday, September 25, 2010

Chaplin vs. Keaton for President

Politics got you down? Forget about those nasty Democrats and Republicans. Two of the silent cinema's greatest artists have thrown their hats in the ring! America - watch out!

The Porkpie
The Derby

Meet the Candidates

Charlie Chaplin
Political Party 
The Silent Society

"I am for people. I can't help it."

"A day without laughter is a day wasted."

On Immigration
Charlie likes immigrants. In fact, he was one once.

On the Economy
Charlie believes that manufacturing is the way out of the recession. Americans must roll up their sleeves, jump right in there and make things!

On Foreign Relations 
Charlie believes we are all citizens of his world!

But he has a special relationship with the French:

Running Mate and Cabinet
Charlie will surround himself with trusted friends and advisors

First Lady
Edna Purviance

Military Service
Served as an Army Private in WWI:

Other Jobs
Law Enforcement,Cook, Musician


Potential Scandal
Has done jail time; has been known to dress in women's clothes

Why you should vote for me
Charlie Chaplin in his own words
"I remain just one thing, and only one thing, and that is a clown. It places me on a far higher plane than any politician."

Buster Keaton:

Political Party 
The Deadpan Proletariat

 2x4, pine

 "Think slow and act fast."

On Immigration
Buster believes the desert needs water
On the Economy
Buster believes that repairing our infrastructure and strengthening our rail system will boost the economy
On Foreign Relations
Buster thinks it's good for Americans to learn about other cultures
Running Mate and Cabinet:
Buster tends to be a one-man band and does not delegate. Buster takes full responsibility!

First Lady
Brown Eyes
Military Service

Served as a  Confederate Soldier in the CSA and as a US Army Private in WWI (quite an accomplishment)
Other Jobs
Architect, Deep Sea Diver, Projectionist

Sailing and Horseback Riding

Potential Scandals
Has done jail time; has been associated with bomb-throwing anarchists

Why you should vote for me
Buster Keaton in his own words
"Silence is of the gods; only monkeys chatter."

Charlie or Buster? Let's stop all of that noisy chatter and get one of these men elected!
Cast your vote in the voting booth to the right and 2 flights up
(sorry. voting has closed).

Monday, September 20, 2010

Norma Desmond's Handbook: How to Live Life as a Star

Poor Norma Desmond, so misunderstood. Sure, she was a bit loony. Who wouldn't be? When the thing you love most deserts you, it can have devastating consequences.
...that room of hers, all satin and ruffles. And that bed, like a gilded rowboat. The perfect setting for a silent movie queen. Poor devil - still waving proudly to a parade which had long since passed her by.
Norma Desmond was devoted to her art - the art of being a star. It's not her fault the movies spoke, the chimp died and the boy-toy fell for a younger woman. Norma kept her promise to live and breathe every waking moment as a star.

A star still shines, even if no one is looking.

There is much to be learned from Norma, so all of you who long to live life as a star - pay attention!

Here are Norma's top ten lessons in living life as a star (with a little help from her friends Max, Joe and CB).

Lesson #1: Enrapture Your Fans
Max Von Mayerling: She was the greatest of them all. You wouldn't know. You're too young. In one week she received 17,000 fan letters. Men bribed her hairdresser to get a lock of her hair. There was a maharajah who came all the way from India to beg one of her silk stockings. Later he strangled himself with it!

Lesson #2: Inspire Your Director's Devotion
Max Von Mayerling: Madame is the greatest star of them all.

Cecil B. DeMille: You didn't know Norma Desmond as a lovely little girl of seventeen, with more courage and wit and heart than ever came together in one youngster

Lesson #3: Enslave Your Ex-Husband
Max Von Mayerling: There were three young directors who showed promise in those days: D.W. Griffith, Cecil B. DeMille, and Max von Mayerling.
Joe Gillis: And she made you her servant. 
Max Von Mayerling: It was I who asked to come back. I could have continued my career, but I found it unbearable. You see, I was her first husband. 

Lesson #4: Be an Unashamed Cougar
Set up the hunky younger man in the bedroom next door. Add extra points if you can do this in front of the ex-husband.

Lesson # 5: Be Fashion Forward
Mere mortals should imitate you, not vice versa.

Lesson #6: Live Like a Star
Decorate like a star,
have big pets
and always hang with other star-friends.

Lesson #7: Be Confident

Joe Gillis: They'll love it in Pomona.
Norma Desmond: They'll love it everywhere. 

Norma Desmond: Without me there wouldn't be any Paramount Studio.

Joe Gillis: You're Norma Desmond. You used to be in silent pictures. You used to be big.
Norma Desmond: I am big. It's the pictures that got small.

Lesson #8: Smoke and Make Sure You Have a Cool Cigarette Holder

Lesson # 9: A Star's Emotions Are Bigger Than Life

Lesson #10: Never, Never, Ever Forget Your Fans
Norma Desmond: Then why do they still write me fan letters every day? Why do they beg me for my photographs? Why? Because they want to see me, ME, Norma Desmond

Joe Gillis: I didn't know you were planning a comeback.
Norma Desmond: I hate that word. It's 
return - a return to the millions of people who have never forgiven me for deserting the screen.

Norma Desmond:
No one ever leaves a star. That's what makes one a star.
Stars are ageless, aren't they?

Norma Desmond:
I just want to tell you all how happy I am to be back in the studio making a picture again! You don't know how much I've missed all of you. And I promise you, I'll never desert you again because after Salome we'll make another picture, and another picture! You see, this is my life. It always will be! There's nothing else - just us - and the cameras - and those wonderful people out there in the dark. All right, Mr. De Mille, I'm ready for my close-up.

And always answer your fan mail!

Norma's best student:
Joan Crawford

My Personal Favorite Quote from SSB: 
Max Von Mayerling: If you need any help with the coffin, call me.

Special thanks to the fabulous face of Gloria Swanson

And, of course, credit to Billy Wilder. Yes, I know it's only a movie, but it seems so real.