Saturday, October 2, 2010

Theda Bara: What I Learned From My Jenny Craig Consultant

Theda checking in here.
Yes - I admit I was a little out of shape. I looked into the mirror one day and I was not especially pleased with what I saw..

Things were starting to expand, if you know what I mean. It was most distressing!
It is not easy being a Vamp. Vamping consists mainly of lounging about in revealing outfits and forcing my victim to stare into my eyes before I reduce him to a pile of mush. It does not leave much time for cardio training.  The only exercise I might get is from lifting a glass of champagne or a knife. And here's a little tidbit I bet you didn't know - Vamp victims are very fattening!.

I tried to diet, but the more I denied myself, the more I felt compelled to rip the flesh off of my victims and chow down right to the bone.

Self restraint is not a Vamp characteristic.

I then decided to take a cruise, thinking that the sea air might do me some good.
But, there were those fattening victims again.

 Another thing: besides always being hungry after "Vamping," I  long for a cigarette. A  lifestyle like this is just not good for a girl's health.

The state of affairs worried me so that I actually made myself sick. Can you imagine?

Being a modern, self-sufficient woman, I took a modern approach. I looked into my crystal ball and decided to take matters into my own hands. I bit the bullet, swallowed my pride and met with my Jenny Craig consultant. She showed me how to eat healthy, how to introduce exercise in my life and, most importantly, to accept myself for the beautiful woman I am.

Now look at me! I am Theda Bara and I am hot, hot, hot!

Thank you, Jenny, for putting a smile back on my face!* I am back on the Vamping beat again and am better than ever. Vamp victims, here I come. You know you can't resist my charms.

* I'd like to think that Theda would make a fabulous Jenny Craig spokesperson. She was one fabulous Vamp!


judy bloise said...

Teda, you look marvelous! What a transformation. One question. Where did you get all of those fabulous outfits?

FlickChick said...

I have a retinue of servants who attend to my every whim - including a designer who was rejected by "Project Runway." Fools!

Edna's Place said...

Edna had to diet all the time too, Theda. Since she was about 13, she gained weigh easily, so no normal meals, but plates of lettuce salads and swimming, when Charlie got on her about weight issues during the film career. (Also, never easy to loose weight, when someone is bugging you about it, all the time, and making remarks.) I had (have) the same problem, so know the weight thing can be difficult. (Keep up the good work 'Theda'.)

Anonymous said...

I fell off my chair roaring in laughter. And I thought the Charlie and Buster blog was funny. Keep it up and I will keep coming back.

Anonymous said...

I fell off my chair roaring in laughter. And I thought the Charlie and Buster blog was funny. Keep it up and I will keep coming back.

FlickChick said...

Aww....the pressure is on!

Anonymous said...

Being a little "chubby" myself, I now feel much better in that I too could be Theda Bara. I love your writing style. Keep on writing and I will keep coming back.

FlickChick said...

Theda gives hope to all of us beauties!